Life & Times of a Party Animal

I was never the partying type, certainly not a drinker. It just wasn't my thing, I always felt like I was on the outside looking in and not getting what the big deal was or the full picture. Long story short, I was too insecure to break out of myself and get free, but all that changed. Almost a year ago after getting out of one of the worst situations I have ever voluntarily placed myself in, I started partying. It felt liberating, it was a high that lasted forever and it was something that pumped so much adrenaline in me. I was finally happy again, dancing, enjoying myself and not caring what anyone thought. I'd been through so many things that a lot of people wouldn't comprehend, so I doubt the celebration process would be understand. It felt like riding a bike, wind blowing all around while you pick up speed leaving whatever troubles behind you. I was addicted. I found myself going out at least 2 times a week, just enjoying happiness, and indulging in others'. Can you imagine being so happy that the happiness of other's just prolonged the high. I was in heaven.

This was all halfway into my 23rd year, around the time when most people start slowing down and become homebodies. I couldn't explain it, I didn't want to and still don't feel the need to. It's not the party life that hooked me, it was being able to be myself in a public place while being unapologetic and taking off my cool, feeling alive after wanting so much death. Becoming a party animal turned into a new way to express my love for myself, and I'm so happy I found it.

Self Validation

Self Validation was not a trait I was taught as a child. It was always "Do this or that to make your parents proud" or something along those lines. Once I got older, I stopped trying to get validation from my parents, and looked for it through lovers. This turned into a dangerous mixture of confusion. attachment, low self-worth and seeking validation through everyone but me. Such a dangerous life for an emotionally developing young woman. I was on a destructive path, full of karmic cycles until I finally learned my lesson. I never would have found the self-love, discovered my self-worth and started validating my damn self. I never understood how important self empowerment was. I started meditating hard for hours at a time focusing on releasing negative emotions towards myself and others. This was the hardest part of my development, finding the love in myself while forgiving myself for past actions. I now understand that whatever it is that I could possibly ever want can be found in myself. Finally realizing that putting self-worth, and validation in the hand of others will leave you feeling worthless and pathless once they are no longer with you.

Love is not just a verb, it's you looking in the mirror

I've had a lot of days when I didn't feel pretty, probably even more when I felt downright ugly. Needless to say, these were not my best days. Learning to love myself just the way that I am, no makeup, #nofilter, hair undone and crust in my eye was one of the hardest yet most rewarding things I have ever done. I've felt ugly so many times by the words of others, until one day I looked in the mirror and realized that I am the shit. No one can make me feel inferior, ugly or anything less than beautiful without my consent. I created, cultivated and grew a new sense of confidence. A confidence that could not be moved by any force outside of me, something that I could call my own. I began to make myself beautiful on the inside so that it would have no choice but to radiate outward. Now I look in the mirror and see the same beautiful face everyday, instead of picking flaws I admire not only my facial features but my body as well. I love myself, and I adore myself without being obsessed with myself. That balance in itself is beautiful. Have you loved yourself today?